The Letter To No One;

It’s weird that every year around this time I start feeling down. It’s always around October. Like around Halloween. I don’t want to think it’s because of the weather. But it most likely is. I’d like to think that the weather helps. It’s nice to feel the cold when you feel so hot inside from the rage you’ve been holding in since you learned how to.

                There’s so much going on right now that I can’t keep my mind on one thing longer than a minute. My best friend from middle school, my sweetheart, my ex, the baby, my mom, my sister, band, graduation, I think I’m failing English, all city tryouts. There isn’t enough time for everything. I finally know and understand the saying “There isn’t enough hours in the day.” I have to keep active. I don’t have time for a break. I could be practicing my tryout music instead of doing nothing in 5^th period. I’m the only sophomore I know already crazy-nervous about graduation. Should I graduate early? Go through with my plan or be a kid and take high school slow. There’s nothing wrong with being ahead; it actually helps. But it’s more stress. And I don’t need any more stress.

                It’s crazy. The year is almost over. It just started. Where did it all go? What happen the past 11 months? My whole life changed this year in making simple decisions. I don’t think anyone thinks as much as I do.

The Break Up;

                I broke up with him September 11^th. It just wasn’t working out. There was no trust and no possible way for there to be any. He repeatedly and foolishly lied to cover his dirty deeds not knowing that honesty was his ticket out.

                Tell me the truth. It won’t hurt. But lie to me?

                Now that hurts.

                Don’t take me as a fool, because I’m not.

                Throughout the relationship we broke up multiple times. This one is official. I realize that. He, on the other hand, does not.

                The past seven weeks have been filled by constant text messages and phone calls. All by him of course asking for one last chance. Well, sorry buddy but your last chance was a couple chances ago.

                I guess it’s partly my fault because after every break up I would give it another go. But if it didn’t work the first time, why would it work the second, or third? I was doing the same thing   over again expecting a new outcome but knowing I’d get the same one. Now that is the definition of crazy. I guess he thought that he could get away with anything because when it was all said and done, I would take him back.  

                When you break up with someone you’ve been with for a while, and I mean a while, not a month or just a couple weeks, I mean an actual relationship, and you don’t shed any tears and find that what you’re actually feeling is relief, now that’s something to feel stupid about.

                It really makes you think. To give one person a year of your life you’ll never get back, a person that never honored you or respected you. I can’t help but to feel dumb.

                Don’t get me wrong. We had our good moments but when you look back in time, the only thing that stands out is the negative. Especially if you’re a 16year old hormone raging pessimist.

                I’m going to try something new. I’m not quite sure what that is yet, but we all need a little mystery now and then. It’s no fun if you already know. Why not see what happens naturally?

                When something’s been for a while, you need adventure and life. Something fresh that you look forward to in the morning. It’s a little challenging to do that when you have a bug-a-boo in your pocket that won’t stop vibrating while you’re trying to solve for x. But every beetle eventually flies away and finds something new to chew on.