Crappy Tuesday

Hey dude,

You’re probably wondering why I was crying this morning. It started last night.

                My mom asked me something and I answered her by telling her the truth. And as it turned out, she didn’t believe me. It’s silly. When I lie she believes me and when I tell the truth she doesn’t. I guess that’s what I get for lying to her so much in the past right? My lying face and nervous tics became my truth-telling face.

               

                She asked me why I” quit” (the “ ” because I didn’t exactly quit) band. Simple question. Easy. I took a break because I didn’t like how the band director was teaching. There were only four dedicated members (including me) and when one got suspended, one quit because of lack of interest and the other didn’t care anymore it was only me. It was more pressure on my shoulders and I couldn’t do it by myself. So I took a break.

                This is why I “quit”.

                And this is what I told my mom.

                And she didn’t believe me.

                I got angry. But it wasn’t the type of anger when you feel it rising inside you and you feel steam blowing from your ears like in those old cartoons (and yes, it actually does feel like that), or the type of anger you feel when you have to punch something and if you don’t you might combust. It was the type of anger when you don’t know what to do but for now you’re gonna cry. When you feel this massive black hole inside of you sucking in your insides and there’s nothing for you to do but sit there and take it and cry. But that just made everything worse.

                Why are you crying. If you were telling me the truth then you wouldn’t be crying. If I find out you’re lying to me the consequences will be way worse.

                I’d heard it before but then it just scared me because I was indeed lying so therefore I had to make up more lies to cover up that one lie that started it all. But now it hurt. I wasn’t lying and I really wanted her to know that.

                 I had no reason to lie.

                Not then, at least. Maybe I should have lied. It would of saved tears and time.But that’s what kids do. They lie to cover up something (probably stupid and that probably wasn’t even worth the lie) that they would be ashamed to tell their mom, the person that brought them into this crazy, fast-moving world, but not their gang of so-called friends that they most likely won’t ever see again after high school.

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I was reading this article about the things that babies born this year won’t know about. For example, my generation’s children won’t know what a fax machine is. Or what a tape is. Or CD’s. Or even privacy.

                Nowadays everything is out on the open. Stocking someone is so easy now. There are website especially made to see where people are and what they’re doing every minute of the day. My kids won’t know what “long distance” is. People have relationships across cities, states, continents.

                In 20 years when my child asks me what a book is I think I’m going to cry. It’s really sad. Books are my life. Just a couple years ago, it was considered disrespectful to talk to two people at once. Now teens text five people at once while having a conversation with their parents. We text during dinner, the only time of the day the family comes together as one. Even during church.

                We’ve let technology over rule us. Nobody tunes in to watch to anymore.  If you want to watch the latest episode of the Bachelor just watch it from your phone. Like that episode of The Simpsons when the iPods were whipping the humans with earphones. Technology took over.

                No one no longer draws or paints. Art is now designing a web page.

                In 10 years we won’t use paper.

                Or watches.

                Or wires.

                We won’t be able to avoid anyone anymore. If someone called you, you had the option to answer or not. You can’t do that anymore. If you ignore someone’s call they know they’ve been ignored and will text you ‘til you reply.

                We won’t forget anything anymore. Appointments, birthdays, friends, ect. It’s all on Facebook.

                We won’t know the difference between work and home.

                So many job positions will become extinct. Cashiers, travel agents, maids, salesmen, farmers, radio talk show host, shoe shiners, attendants, factory workers, phone operators, cab drivers..

                When was the last time you took a cab?

                It’s really sad. Just think about it for a while. It’s depressing.

The Letter To No One;

It’s weird that every year around this time I start feeling down. It’s always around October. Like around Halloween. I don’t want to think it’s because of the weather. But it most likely is. I’d like to think that the weather helps. It’s nice to feel the cold when you feel so hot inside from the rage you’ve been holding in since you learned how to.

                There’s so much going on right now that I can’t keep my mind on one thing longer than a minute. My best friend from middle school, my sweetheart, my ex, the baby, my mom, my sister, band, graduation, I think I’m failing English, all city tryouts. There isn’t enough time for everything. I finally know and understand the saying “There isn’t enough hours in the day.” I have to keep active. I don’t have time for a break. I could be practicing my tryout music instead of doing nothing in 5^th period. I’m the only sophomore I know already crazy-nervous about graduation. Should I graduate early? Go through with my plan or be a kid and take high school slow. There’s nothing wrong with being ahead; it actually helps. But it’s more stress. And I don’t need any more stress.

                It’s crazy. The year is almost over. It just started. Where did it all go? What happen the past 11 months? My whole life changed this year in making simple decisions. I don’t think anyone thinks as much as I do.

The Break Up;

                I broke up with him September 11^th. It just wasn’t working out. There was no trust and no possible way for there to be any. He repeatedly and foolishly lied to cover his dirty deeds not knowing that honesty was his ticket out.

                Tell me the truth. It won’t hurt. But lie to me?

                Now that hurts.

                Don’t take me as a fool, because I’m not.

                Throughout the relationship we broke up multiple times. This one is official. I realize that. He, on the other hand, does not.

                The past seven weeks have been filled by constant text messages and phone calls. All by him of course asking for one last chance. Well, sorry buddy but your last chance was a couple chances ago.

                I guess it’s partly my fault because after every break up I would give it another go. But if it didn’t work the first time, why would it work the second, or third? I was doing the same thing   over again expecting a new outcome but knowing I’d get the same one. Now that is the definition of crazy. I guess he thought that he could get away with anything because when it was all said and done, I would take him back.  

                When you break up with someone you’ve been with for a while, and I mean a while, not a month or just a couple weeks, I mean an actual relationship, and you don’t shed any tears and find that what you’re actually feeling is relief, now that’s something to feel stupid about.

                It really makes you think. To give one person a year of your life you’ll never get back, a person that never honored you or respected you. I can’t help but to feel dumb.

                Don’t get me wrong. We had our good moments but when you look back in time, the only thing that stands out is the negative. Especially if you’re a 16year old hormone raging pessimist.

                I’m going to try something new. I’m not quite sure what that is yet, but we all need a little mystery now and then. It’s no fun if you already know. Why not see what happens naturally?

                When something’s been for a while, you need adventure and life. Something fresh that you look forward to in the morning. It’s a little challenging to do that when you have a bug-a-boo in your pocket that won’t stop vibrating while you’re trying to solve for x. But every beetle eventually flies away and finds something new to chew on.